How My Pursuit for Holiness Almost Ruined My Life

It wasn't until I really, I mean really, let my sins go in the sacrament of confession that I began to make progress. I used to think somehow, subconsciously, that being 'afraid' of certain sins, worrying about committing them, being anxious about them (hyper-vigilance), and hating them would bring about metanoia (repentance) and metamorphosis (change). That by these means I would someday, if I kept at it, escape my sins, that I would stop sinning. This deluded me, and I thought to myself," You have only to be courageous and obedient! Do not do...!" I thought my virtue would save me, even understanding that it was God-given, to help me. He would give me His courage! He would help me abstain!

And other Christians led me to believe it, too. They said," Yes! Keep on!" Some directly, some indirectly. Others I misunderstood, because of my own delusion. It wasn't until I understood that fear, worry, anxiety, and hate only tend to evil... that I really began to leave them behind. Christ didn't come to stop me, to prevent me, to make me abstain. He came to set me free, not only from what I had done, but He had freed me to set me at perfect liberty. He did not come to recruit soldiers, dispensing courage, to have them fight a battle that He had already won. No. He came, giving His Spirit, heartening us with courage so that we would proclaim Christ crucified, in word and deed. I was in truth trying to fulfill the Law, and did not recognize it.
I was believing a lie. Namely, that though I was absolved, I was still full of sin. That I could save myself from sin, if only God would give me the tools, if only He would help me obey the rules!

I learned to love God in that miserable state of despair out of auto-suggested zeal and duty. I did not love God with my heart, that miserable, shriveled up, little raisin. I only intellectually comprehended who He is and that I owed him something. So, imagine how shallow my view of Christ was! I was so shallow! I was a faker! But I desperately wanted to be good. My pursuit for holiness had ruined me, because I was not seeking 'first the Kingdom of God and HIS righteousness'... which is that He is loving and merciful, and that through His loving mercy He establishes His kingdom with in me. Because He says," No one will say,' Lo, here it is... or... Lo, there it is. For the Kingdom of God is within you." Can you see how backward I was? And maybe this is you, right now! It can be over in an instant. Cry out for mercy!

Satan had deceived me, and I had deceived myself. I was so frantic, I could not see the mess I was in. I could not see that I was deceived! Moreover, I actually believed that if I persisted in this, I would obtain what my soul was crying out for. Can you imagine? I thought what was killing me was saving me. And the 'duty' to be holy made me seem holy to those around me, so no one could help me. No one knew I was drowning. Least of all myself! I thought I was treading water until I could reach God's far shore. As if God was standing off at a distance for my good. "Who can know God's ways?," I told my self with resignation, as I exhausted myself near to death. That is why I did not experience His grace. The truth was, I had no real faith, because I was putting it in my own false perceptions. I was like Peter, I had started well, got scared, and was about to drown to death.

I was under siege, like an animal being poked in a cage and tortured. I thought I was pleasing God, but I was offending Him! I thought I was offering service to God, but I was serving myself. Worse I was serving demons as their entertainment. I was walking in iniquity, believing I was doing the holy things He commanded me to do. I was rejecting His grace for the Law! And yet, ignorant as I was, I still marveled that Satan tormented me as often as He liked, and with impunity. Christ mercifully made me see that I would escape temptation through His mercy. Not that I would not be tempted, but that I would escape it by grace, through taking every thought captive for Christ and crying out for mercy! His mercy is my life. I knew that, but I did not understand. I had knowledge, but not understanding. And when His Spirit made me understand, I was able to be wise. I could then do what was good, taking no thought of evil. He made me to behave wisely, by enlightening me, and strengthening me to do whatever He had shown me.

I don't carry around those sins on my shoulders. They are not within me, necessitating me to contain them with my virtue, my strength, and my cunning. Not even with my faith, or my hope, or my love. I am not a 'Pandora's Box' of evil, whose lid must remain shut! I am the temple. I had been been closing the gates of my heart, but through Christ I now understand the Psalmist when he says to me," Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in!" Before, I knew; now, I understand, that though concupiscence is a voice within me, I will drown it out with cries for mercy, not by arguing with it. Not by what I know. Sin is stupid, brothers; it is no feat to win an argument against it! A child can do that. But it doesn't care if you win, because it is Evil. It will destroy you anyway. Thanks be to God that I understand, now!

Nothing is more simple! Accept the work of the Cross, banish condemnation from your heart by believing in and accepting the power of confession, and cry out for mercy. Don't waste any energy on worry, hate, anxiety, or fear. They only work to evil. Simply love what is good, understand that Christ's mercy is your victory over sin, pray incessantly, and do good. Therefore, stay with Him in the Eucharist, and in confession. And of course, forgive all people, especially before they seek forgiveness... this, too, is how you banish condemnation. "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit."

If I am careful, and I take every thought captive for Christ, through Christ, and nullify the evil images, and cut them off by the name of Jesus Christ... then that poison will not make it's way into my heart. Where does Christ say evil comes from? "It is not what goes into a man which defiles him, but what comes out of him." Elsewhere He says," For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders." So, if I do that first thing, then evil does not come out of me. Then, I have only only not to do evil. Not that I have not to do evil, but that I have to do good. It is for me to do. You don't like all the evil in the world? Stop doing evil. You like the good? Then, do that. Please pray for me as I pray for you.

"Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim." ~Aristotle~

The Worst Kind of People

I want to talk about the worst, most wretched, deplorable, and intolerable kind of person... the complainer. We've all heard the saying," There are some people who just want to watch the world burn." these are the complainers. I know that seems terribly ironic, given the fact that they would complain about it (the world burning), but in point of fact, it truly is the case, because they hate everything. Literally. Whether they admit it or not. Whether they admit it to themselves or others; the hate being alive and they hate creation. Coincidentally, the saintly person also wants to see the world burn. As Christ said," I came to set a fire in the earth, and how I wish it were already blazing!"

What's the difference? The difference is that Christ is talking about theosis. Christ came to become "the first of many", and it is written," God is an all consuming fire." And again, it is written," You shall be as gods to the Egyptians (the world)." Christ wanted to destroy "the world." Of course, we understand "the world" to be the flesh, the passions, the disorder. He also wanted to restore man to the appropriate state of being which God intended for Him, which for a human is theoria: actually, mystically, and in every way being in the presence of God. Think about how Moses, foreshadowing if you will, the state man was to be in from the beginning, by ascending Mt. Horeb into the fire of God. God calls us not only into the fire, but just as Moses came down from the Holy Mountain radiant as the sun because of the glory of God, necessitating the Jews to shroud him because of the residue of the Shekinnah... God also calls us to become the fire, and merely by being in His presence this happens.

This is theosis. Gods being overwhelms our own. When you are truly in unity and submission to God, you become a flame! It's as if you held a burning match to a candle flame, it becomes one flame. This is why He sent them out "two by two," to bring light to the world... BY BURNING IT with the Fire of the Holy Spirit! And this was prefigured when Samson destroyed the crops of the Philistines by tying the tails of two foxes together with torches, so he might send them through the wheat fields and destroy the harvest. God the Father and God the Son share the same Holy Spirit. This is how they are unified. This is how they are a Trinity of Persons. God has given us His Holy Spirit! Through the merits of Christ, and the ministry of His Holy Church, we have bestowed upon us the same Bond which the Father and the Son share! There is nothing higher than this. We have literally been incorporated into the Body of Christ, Who is God.

The complainer is different. They want to see the world burn because they hate it. They want vengeance on everything. They are set on fire by hell itself, and like a burning wheat stalk, the birds (the fallen angels) take this son or daughter of perdition and throw it into a field that is not burning, amongst people who are bearing fruit. This way the creatures that scatter ahead of the flame can be easily devoured by the crows (recall the parable of the Sower). The grains in the ear burst from the heat, shooting out spreading further fire. Understand. "Satan uses all the sons and daughters of disobedience." All of them! And he throws them into places where the Master intends to harvest a good yield. You know the person. The person who destroys the group dynamic, complains about everything, drains everyone with their carping negativity, and contaminates the weak with their disease. The ones who stymie the work, who demoralize the good resolve, who endlessly pity themselves, and seek out commiseration. The person with contagious negativity. Perpetually they cry out," Woe is me!" or,"Why can't anything go right?" or more contemporarily," Murphy! All the time, Murphy!" These are set on fire by hell, and they have come to destroy you. They have come to stop what Christ is doing. They haven't come of their own will. They are slaves to ungratefulness and unrighteousness. Unfortunately, sometimes that is us; but others are this way all the time, without remedy or respite.

They always have an excuse for their failure, or their complaining. They always feel misunderstood. They always answer back. They are always drained, and if they are not, they are prepared to drain others. Tell a tree by its fruit! These are the most unhappy people you have seen! They are lost in substitutes for right doing, adrift in psychoses to justify it. They are hopeless addicts to diversion. These people are worse off than even homeless drunkards. At least, the homeless drunkard pukes on himself and doesn't complain. The rain pours on him and he goes out of the rain under a bridge and troubles no one. He sleeps and wakes up. He thinks about things, walks around. He sleeps against a grave stone on the ground and is happy he has something to prop up against; he delights in a shading tree. He looks happily on his past. He may even be out of his mind, but he somehow knows who he is and what his life is, and he lives it. For better or worse, there it is. He meets his life one day at a time.

Nothing is ever good enough for the complainer, however. They complain about the most menial of tasks, no matter how blessed the thankless git is. While others take courage, and cover up the wounds gotten in the battle of daily life to hearten themselves and those around them, lest anyone should despair at the slightest sight of suffering... that fool stands by and bemoans everything. "The sun is too hot... I'm tired... I'm hungry... I'm sick of this... someone disrespected me... someone was inconsiderate... that was mean... I'm bored... I hate the cold... I wish I were somewhere else... can you believe this happened to me?... what will we do for such and such a need?... I want." And any time a plan of theirs fails, or anytime they chance to see a plan fail they start gnashing their teeth, mouths full of lamentation and wailing. "If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all! Why can't anything ever go right. I was going to do the right thing, but my plan was interrupted." And then the fool has the temerity to bemoan their loneliness. Who wants to be around someone like that? Someone who goes around ruining other people's lives with their stupidity and negativity, weighing others down with their imagined, inflated, and exaggerated burdens? As if no one else has struggles. Such a person is contemptible above a dog.

People wonder who the culprits are for why the world is such a horrible place. It's these godless people! It's these weeds who sap the strength of the soil from the wheat that ought to be yielding 30, 60, 100 fold. There isn't enough "grain" to go around, and yet people want to know why mankind is starving. These are the culprits, the ones who are destroying the yield. These are the locusts of hell sent up out of the abyss with human faces and tails like scorpions spoken of in Revelations, who destroy the crop. They captivate people with their negativity and inject them with their poison. These are exceedingly dangerous people who torment the human race, and provoke it to act irrationally and godlessly. They provoke the wrath of God, the same God who oft wanted to destroy Israel in the wilderness for the same sin. The same people who Moses interceded for so often that it wearied him and broke him.

You have to protect yourself from these people, and they are all around you. How can you protect yourself from these burning embers set on fire by hell? "But whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." Cleave to the Gospel, the Evangelion, the Good News! In so doing, by protecting yourself, you may yet extinguish one who comes into contact with you; obey the Lord assiduously, with alacrity and gladness! Dress all your works with holy zeal. For this reason St. Jude says,"And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh." Their sins are so contemptible even what they have come in contact with is worthy of hatred. They must be separated from it. Hopefully, such as these have not been consumed by the flame. Hopefully, there is more than ash once they are extinguished. But even if they are consumed they have hope in Christ. Because it is written," I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in Me will live, even though they die."

So, don't engage this hellfire. Don't entertain it. Don't listen to it. If you have the power to, silence it. But above all else "make your call and election sure" through good works "as a good soldier of Christ." These things are acceptable. Take no not of such a deplorable person, and leave them to wallow in their self-pity like swine. Don't cast your pearls before these swine. Be something better, so that perchance you may entice them to something better. But don't go into the mire after them, and sully the "wedding garment." Don't let them destroy you and nullify God's promise to you, like they did to Moses, vexing him so much that he incidentally disobeyed God and disqualified himself from the "Promised Land." Be strong. Don't let them tempt you to wrath, because it is written," A fool's mouth calls for blows." Steady yourself and "do not sin in your anger." Trust in the Spirit of the Lord, and he will keep you from stumbling. The traps which these sons and daughters of disobedience have laid for you will ensnare and destroy them... if you hold fast in the faith and do no wrong. The Lord will deliver you from them shortly, whether by their conversion or their destruction (God forbid). Do not cease to pray to shield yourself from them. Merely avoid them and do well. 

"Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim." ~Aristotle~

Evil Images

Nothing can be in the heart that is not first in the mind, unless God puts it there. For instance, God may harden a heart or soften it. The Lord may mercifully enlarge our hearts, and create within us a new and upright spirit. But these are proclivities, which the freewill cooperates with or not. In the hardening of the heart, the person is subjected to justice. As it is written:

"Your commandments we have not
heeded or observed,
nor have we done as You ordered
us for our good.
Therefore all You have brought upon
us,
all You have done to us,
You have done by a proper
judgment."

But the Evil One influences us with images. This is the way of Angels. Being as they are, that they are pure intellect. They influence the mind with images, by way of memory, by influencing the imagination, by sending evil images of vanity, violence, lust and every other evil. They "use all the sons and daughters of disobedience," having tripped them up this way, and have them trip up the saints. A woman scantly clothed, a man demanding respect through cruelty, another flaunting ill gotten gain so that you might covet. They seek in every way to fill the mind with evil images, so that in poisoning the mind they may poison the heart. In this way they defile the temple of the Heart, which is the Temple of the Most High. In this way they pull down the temple, and raise up the 'abomination of desolation' where it ought not be.

Your holy angel, which the Lord gives to each according to their need, also seeks to influence your thoughts. He is not there, as so many presume to say, to merely protect you from bodily harm. Do you think he ceases to sing spiritual hymns to your soul, or that he does not sing all the more loudly when you are tempted, and louder still once you have fallen? It is written," On your walls, O Jerusalem, I have set watchmen who shall never hold their peace!" These Watchers cry out to you when dangers approach, because it is written:

" ...if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet to warn the people and the sword comes and takes someone's life, that person's life will be taken because of their sin, but I will hold the watchman accountable for their blood.'

And we know that they always obey our Father in Heaven. Therefore, listen for the Watchman, and be vigilant. Build up the walls of Zion by "redeeming the time," by making your days upon the earth holy. Commit your memory to the Lord, and He will rescue you from it, and by it. Fight evil images with prayer, especially by crying out for mercy," Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me!"

But do not think that by voiding out evil alone you can succeed. How can you void out evil, and not fill it with good? This too is evil, and will be filled with evil. It is not in your power to sustain voids, nor is it right, because you are to be filled with holy things. And how can you fight endlessly and not become weary? We enter into the Lord's rest not by merely hating evil, because even evil people hate evil things, but by loving the good!

"Clean the inside of the cup and behold, all things shall be clean unto you." Free your mind from evil images by fighting them with the name of Jesus, by washing the soul with prayer and the reading of scripture. But of these two, prayer is more important for you. For though it is written of scripture:

"...the Holy Scriptures... are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work."

It is written of prayer in the scripture that you shall,"... pray without ceasing." and the psalmist says," I will extol the Lord at all times, His praise will be continually upon my lips." But what good is it for a man to put his house (his soul) in order when a demon leaves? Unless he fully arms himself and protects his goods, thereafter? Unless he does this, the demon will return with seven other demons more evil than himself, and inherit that place again. But how easy it is to overthrow an armed man in the dark! Will you stop at merely cleaning your house and arming yourself? Isn't your intent to keep the Evil One out, and not to make a trap for him, luring him into your house? Do you presume to overpower the Evil One by your strength? Don't be foolish.

What else, then, can a man do? What destroys darkness and will turn it away when it returns? The answer is so simple! What do you do in the world when darkness approaches? Don't you turn on a light? And how do you turn on light apart from prayer and the reading of scripture, even apart from good works? Is there another way? Yes! By making your eye good. As it is written:

" The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light." But someone will surely say," But what if all I see is evil and corrupt?" The important thing is that your gaze is pure; love all that you see. As it is written," All things are pure to the pure." Purify yourself therefore with prayer, the sacraments, and the reading of scripture, and determine to love all that you see. If you do this, the Evil One's images will lose their evil meaning.

All of us have seen someone pure in heart, often old or very young, saying things that would be inappropriate for the wicked to say. The imagination of the wicked is evil all the time, and they never stop looking for a way to taking innocent sayings and making them evil, so they may call good 'evil.' And so that you may see how evil the day is, how can a priest publicly say he loves children with out being scrutinized or mocked? This same evil is in us, and we must destroy it! Without it, the influences of Satan becomes unintelligible, and the truer meaning of things are known to us. Love becomes all the more possible. How can you have peace if you imagine that every time someone cuts in front of you on the highway, they are malicious? Isn't your eye bad if you aren't charitable? Perhaps, they are having an emergency. What do you really know about them? I do not say that you ought to be ignorant, only admit your own ignorance, and think better of people. This is just an example of what I mean to make your look good. Make your ear good, too!

These are the ways to fight the evil images and free our minds from the poisons which poison the heart. Do you seek higher forms of prayer? Do you really wish to see God? Is holiness something you really desire? Then, pray without ceasing, read the scriptures, frequent the sacraments (especially confession and the Eucharistic Feast), make your eye good and fill your body with light. Continually say with the Publican," Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!" and you will go up to your house justified before God. Free yourself from condemnation, forget the language of the world, which is reading perversity into everything, so that you may forget their conversation.

The Psalmist says," They bend the bow and draw the sword so as to slay those of upright conversation." Who does this mean more than those whose souls are perpetually in conversation with God? The Evil One has nothing but an argument. If you should stop listening to him, he has nothing else; he will desire to slay you. This is why Christ said," Do not fear him who can destroy the body and do no more." He has no other language apart from images with which to make his argument to your soul. Therefore, do not entertain evil thoughts," Do not set your mind on the things of the flesh, but set your mind on heavenly things." Do this and you will surely progress. And remember my family when you pray, if you will.

"Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim." ~Aristotle~

When I Was A Protestant

I was thinking earlier," What did I think of the Catholic Church when I was a Protestant?" But when? When I was a boy? When I was a youth? Or just before I became a Catholic? I suppose the most important time is just before I became a Catholic. If I were to share the wonderful things before that time that prepared me, they would perhaps mean nothing to those who stand without. Let me do what's best then, and maybe I will tell those thing after.

So, what did I think of the Catholic Church as a Protestant? Well, I will not hesitate to tell you that. I was like a Muslim. My holy book and my God. I thought that I didn't need anything, because I knew what my bible said. I didn't need anyone to agree with me. And though I believed I needed the fellowship of fellow believers, because it is written," Do not forsake the brethren." I did not believe that I needed anyone to approve of my conclusions. I believed this because of the scripture," But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court... He who judges me is the Lord." I was a minimalist, just like the Muslim. "Let me have nothing beyond Christ and the scriptures." I do not say God, though I was not offended at the Father and the Holy Spirit. But what a liar I would be if I said that a hateful distaste and suspicion did not lurk, if anyone would say," In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

I did not realize then how susceptible I was to pretexting, viz. taking a text out of context, marrying it to my preconceived notions and conclusions, holding it in one hand with another scripture, or several others, imagining that I had made a coherent and true deduction that was authoritative (because it was scripture). I believed I needed nothing beyond this. And though I believed that I could certainly learn from spiritual leaders, and that I ought to have a pastor, whatever he said to me had to gain my approval. Not that he only had to say things that I liked, or that built me up, but that whatever he said had to agree with whatever I had determined the scriptures to say, or could be persuaded to believe they said. And if I did not agree, so much the less was my obligation to submit to him, to hear him, or to take his example earnestly. Such was my thinking. And if it became too much, I could go at will elsewhere, until I became discontent with my new pastor.

I did not need a book of prayers, I had my own prayers. I did not need confession, I confessed to God directly. And if I was having a hard time with a sin, I would help myself to a hand-picked "accountability partner," that I chose by no other standard than that he seemed to know something, was grave, and appeared upright. I didn't even have a concept of what a sacrament was, how could I know I needed them? Let alone the sacrament of confession!? How could I see, when the light that was in me was darkness? And how great was that darkness! If only I had known that the priest was declaring God's forgiveness to me, which was the ministry given to the Apostles by Christ! And that they priests were uniquely participating in their ministry?

How is it that I read scripture so much, but missed that the Apostles passed on the Holy Spirit by the laying on of their apostolic hands? How did I miss that they dispensed certain ministries, unique to persons according to their ability. What an idiot I was, to think that it was in the believer's hands to declare the "gift" they imagined themselves to have, which ever ministry they were most lustful for. " I lust to be a teacher... a prophet... an apostle... a preacher... an evangelist. Therefore, I am." I believed my own pride and my lust were the Holy Spirit. How is it that I did not see that it was by the imposition of apostolic hands that the Spirit was given, without which one may not participate in apostolic ministry?

As for saints, why would I have need of them? Why would I need to know about people who were no better off than myself. What did they have that I didn't? Surely, all anyone really has is the scripture and God. What could they add unto me? As St. Paul says," But of those who seemed to be something,(whatever they were makes no difference to me, for God is no respecter of persons) for they who seemed to be something added nothing to me." Foolish man! I did not know or perceive that St. Paul mean, they did not add to his Gospel which he received from Jesus Christ, not that he had no regard for the saints, or that he spurned the apostles. How corrupt my understanding was!

When I though of the saints, I thought," Who needs all that clutter, distracting me from Christ?" and of praying to saints," God forbid." How is it that I did not perceive that God is a God of the living and not of the dead? How did I not perceive that our priesthood in Christ is not a meaningless honorary title, that gives us authority in our private homes? Can you see how shallow my understanding was? But how did I fail to see? For if Christ is sacrificed, and no more sacrifice is to be made, how is it that we are priest's forever? A priest offers sacrifice; what then is offered, if He offered Himself once and for all as the High priest, and yet also as the sacrifice? My foolish mind indeed did see that we make offerings of our lives, and of prayer, but how could I have been so confused to think that it stopped at the grave? How did I have such temerity as to contradict the Holy Spirit? And how is it that I did not see the sacrifice of the Eucharist?

I did not see that it was the saints and the Church alone who could and would teach me to walk in the truth. It was them that could make me understand. It was they alone who could teach me to pray. Their lives were not clutter, they were examples available to me of how to please my Master, as often as I should resort to them. I was badly mistake, so eager was Satan to deprive me of their counsel and my heritage.

And what a hypocrite I was! Scoffing at the notion of genuflecting, bowing, and prostrating. And yet against whom did I bring an accusation for lifting hands, in their wild forms of praise and worship? I was well acquainted with the scripture,"... lift up holy hands unto the Lord." With the same text whereby I excused disorderly and wild gestures, even defending them and compelling myself to partake (so that through my discomfort and embarrassment I might make a sacrificial offering of praise), I foolishly condemned the more reverent, appropriate, and orderly sort of gestures.

Yes, I think it was the veneration of the saints that was the biggest stumbling block for this prideful fool. I did not know that St. Thomas could teach me theology, not corrupt me. That St. Francis could teach me to love poverty and charity, not confuse me. That St. Philomena could teach me to love purity, not contaminate me. That St. Josemaria Escriva could teach me to love the work of God, not to abandon it. I did not know that St. Pio could open the mysteries of heaven to me, thinking rather that such would lead me to demons. It was I was deceived by the demons. It was I, not them, who had forsaken the brethren. I did not know of Godly vision, and mystical consolations meant nothing to me, I did not know them. I thought Mary's apparitions were demonic, I wouldn't even listen or hear them. But when I did, they only pointed to Christ. Always her message about her Son, and the favors He bestowed through her supplication, just as He did at the wedding feast at Cana. It was then I realized that God had raised her up as a sign of hope to all Christians, as a typification of the Church, the Bride of Christ, and all the Glory He will bestow upon it in the end. Holy Theotokos forgive me for those days!

Yes, it was the heroes of the faith, the most godly of the human race, those who had truly become Christ... they were the stumbling block. I was perishing, and languishing. For it is written," I lay in Zion a precious cornerstone... and whoever falls on this stone will be broken; but on whomever it falls, it will grind him to dust." Christ came to be the first of many, and as many as became "christs" I stumbled at. These men and women from whom I could truly learn to please God and live a holy life, these Satan had taught me to hate. The heresy I was brought up in taught me to hate these beloved of God. The demons of that doctrine taught me that to venerate them, and to follow their example was demonic. But by the grace of God, I was overpowered by their love and their piety. Through their obedience to Christ, I was saved from the demonic doctrine that told me to go near them was to risk shipwreck. Their triumph through Christ's name was powerful to work in me, long after they had put off the flesh through mortification and through death. I had stumble upon the foundation upon which Christ had built His Church, St. Peter, and rested there like a stone. Finally, a good foundation! No more shifting sand. Thanks be to God!


"Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim." ~Aristotle~

What Would St. John the Baptist Say?

What would St. John the Baptist say to Christians if he were here now, with the same vim and verve? What do you imagine he would say? I doubt his message would be much different, but perhaps it would go something like this...

So many Christians: "Christ died for our sins, and we believe in him! What more do we need?!"

" To you who justify yourselves and say,' Christ has paid our debts and we believe.' I say to you that you must bear the fruits of repentance! Do not content yourselves, saying,' Christ is our savior and THAT is enough!' Foolish generation! Do you think that the Son inherits nothing apart from you? It is written," Many will come from East and West and recline at my Father's table." and again," I have other sheep, not of this fold." You were brought into the vineyard to labor at an agreed price, which is your salvation, and if you do not you will receive nothing and will be thrown out," Into outer darkness, where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth!"

"Christ and his disciples came saying,' Whosoever the Son sets free is free indeed." But against you are the words of the prophet, for you have returned to your sins like a dog to it's vomit! You were freed to do the will of your Redeemer, but you have broken the fence which is the law of righteousness, and like dumb oxen you have wandered into the fields in which others have labored and trampled down the harvest, and gore one another! You were liberated from the Law, and became lawless!"

"Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim." ~Aristotle~

Meditation On Malachi

There are exceedingly wicked people amongst you, tares which the Evil One has sown. Those who say," Aha! Cast the first stone!" whenever they do evil. Full of evil they say," See to the log in your own eye!" so that no one interferes with their iniquity, as they pull down all decency. They say to those who obey God," The Lord loves all people, you self-righteous!" and mean that He delights in the evil doer. But you, you are to remember the words of scripture, and like Christ answer scripture with scripture, just as Christ answered their father Satan in the wilderness. Understand the words of His prophet!:

"You have wearied the Lord with your words. Yet you say,' How have we wearied Him?' By saying,' Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the Lord, and He delights in them!' Or by asking,' Where is the God of justice?'

And speaking of what would come to pass, which has already come to pass, the Lord says through His prophet:

"Behold, I send my messenger to prepare the way before Me, and the Lord whom you seek will suddenly come to His temple; the messenger of the covenant in whom you delight, behold he is coming says the Lord of Hosts. But who can stand when he appears?' 

Those who say they are His and are full of lawlessness, He has seen them. The heart of a man is His holy temple. He has walked through their colonnades and on their porches. He has see the steps stained with bloodshed, and perversity scrawled upon every wall. He has seen the lewdness and vulgarity of their inner courts. He has marked the blood stained pillars, and all their abominations which they co-mingle with their sacrifices, and how they say," This is true religion! This is what God loves!" And He has set a day:

"For behold, the day comes, burning like an oven, when all the arrogant and all evildoers will be stubble; the day that comes shall burn them up, says the Lord of Hosts, so that it will leave them neither root or branch. But for you who fear My name the sun of righteousness will rise, with helping in its wings. You shall go forth leaping like calves from the stall. And you shall tread down the wicked, for they will be ashes under the soles of your feet, on the day when I act, says the Lord of Hosts."

The most dangerous person is a pagan pretending to be a Christian. People who put on Christ like a fashion, instead of letting a true righteousness transform them. Every chance they get, they swoop in to the tooth and nail defense of every heresy and evil... always saying," Take the log out of your own eye...," pleading God's mercy and hating God's justice with the very fire of hell. The first born of Satan is what they are. These are the children of Satan who mock the Gospel and its Lord, for the sake of their father Satan and their love of all his deeds. And if they could, they would beat you with Christ's as with a club, using the Gospel to justify and defend every evil, and to condemn every righteous tongue which agrees with God. Their condemnation is certainly just.

"Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim." ~Aristotle~

Fatherhood

I thought to humbly write my thoughts about my own vocation as a father. It's not something you hear much about as compared to other issues. There are plenty of blogs and articles out there on how to apologize for the faith, on the purity of liturgical form, or on why Atheists are wrong, or in defense of marriage, against abortion and contraception, et cetera. Even plenty on motherhood. Noble endeavors, let no one doubt it. However, on the vocation of fatherhood, there does not seem to be much. And if it is not so rare, it does at least seem as well hidden as St. Joseph himself. As if to say to us," Man up, and figure it out."

So, permit me to speak humbly about what I have learned from my own fatherhood, and indulge me if I speak confidently on the vocation of fatherhood. I am a father of four children. I speak to you not as someone who has seen his shoots bear fruit. Let me tell you that my children are young, aging from nine months old to seven years old. Three daughters, and one son. I myself am young, a mere 28 years old. Someone may rightly say," He hasn't been a father long enough to know what he is saying. His experiment is not complete." But if you will receive from Solomon, who had 750 wives and fell away into idolatry, instruction on how to avoid impurity, perhaps there is a possibility you may receive some things from me, and will allow me to call to remembrance in you what our Fathers have taught us, who are the Church, and the saints, even God Himself.

There is no point in me self-deprecating ad nauseum, or benumbing you with my testimony. Let it suffice to say that I am a man like you, and nothing that I have experienced in being a husband or father is uncommon to us. But I am confident in saying that I have experienced what is common, and do not lack in that respect. I think that this is probably what most of you believe, though it is not what we feel. We despair of our own faithfulness to the duties of our vocation. We can despair at the futility of our lives. Sometimes, the best thing to do is not despair, but build something new. And that, brothers, is precisely what I wish to speak to you about.

In the Holy Scriptures, in Genesis, we see that Father Isaac had a blessing he was to give his son. It was a special blessing. It was a blessing for a man, not a boy. See the scripture:

" Then his father Isaac said to him," Come near now and kiss me, my son." And he came near and kissed him; and he smelled the smell of his clothing, and blessed him and said: " Surely, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field which the Lord has blessed. Therefore, may God give you of the dew of Heaven, of the fatness of the earth, and abundance of grain and new wine. Let the peoples serve you. Be master over your brethren, and let your mother's sons bow down to you. Cursed be everyone who curses you, and blessed be everyone who blesses you." 
Notice that he likens his son to a field which the Lord has blessed. It calls to mind the words of God to His son Adam," From dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." The rest of the blessing only makes sense if we understand this. And in communicating the blessing in this way there is also a haunting remembrance of the words," I shall curse the ground... you shall eat by the sweat of your brow all your days." Isaac implicitly reminds his son that he is but dust, instructing him to be humble and to remember his mortality so that he avoids vain pursuits. He also shows him that he is not like the other dust, the other ground that has been cursed; he is a field that has been blessed by the Lord. He therefore teaches him that apart from the Lord he is cursed, and like any other man.

Isaac continues his blessing by imploring God to give him the dew of Heaven, so that he may have the fatness of the earth, and abundance accordingly. This calls to mind the 127th Psalm, which is also about children and fatherhood:

"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain." 

No doubt you see the importance of the "Dew of Heaven" which is favor and grace. But as we read further, we see an admonition to fathers and sons:

"It is a vain thing for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; For so He gives his beloved sleep." 
You can work all you like, and give your wife and children a better quality of life. Truly, there is something to be said for providing diligently for one's family; it is a duty. But what gives one rest is goodness. As it is written by the Apostle John," I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in the way of the Truth." If you have failed to spiritually steward your family, I mean... really steward them, and you do these other things, what good do you do for them?"What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his own soul?" or worse still, perhaps, to lose the souls of his wives and his children?

 But you are a man of responsibility, and your family has basic needs, which brings to mind the words of Christ, lest anyone should try to justify serving mammon" Therefore take no thought saying,' What shall we eat: or what shall we drink, or wherewith shall we be clothed? For the pagans run after all these things, and your Father in Heaven knows you have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." And this is the lesson that Jacob teaches his son. Namely, that providence is an result of remaining in the favor of the Lord by means of righteousness.

Spiritual goodness predicates temporal goodness, temporal goodness does not predicate spiritual goodness. Otherwise, hedonism would be a path to God. The Psalmist isn't admonishing hard working fathers. It is an admonition against serving possession, and seeking it apart from righteousness; it is against an unhealthy reliance on and appetite for possessions. The greatest gift a man can give his family is himself, and by this means you give them to God.

The Psalm ends saying: " Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate." 
Is that how you look at your sons and daughters? I mean... really? You love them, but do you understand what the Psalmist says? Do you believe it? Are you like your Father Isaac? Do you have a blessing for your son that you bless him with? Have you taught him the 'Good Way' so that he can understand the blessing? So that he wants it, and believes in it? You should bless your children; they are the fruit of your own body. Blessing your children with such a blessing is like planting an olive grove. Your children's children will eat of the fruit, and their children will become rich through its yield. Don't waste a moment to bless your children.

Earlier, I said that the greatest gift you have the ability to give your children is yourself. That doesn't mean that you just lay down your life so that they can have bread. We know plenty of men who say of their own fathers," He always put food on the table." and they are men themselves of no particular value. The spoiled man is the epitome of that. How, then, can your gift be of any value?

We see the command in scripture," You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them to your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Make no mistake, if you do not teach your children the world will. If you do not remind them, if you do not create a culture in your home of piety, these things will be forgotten. If you are not consistent, what good is it? It is your duty to protect them from the stranger's ways, and to teach the way of their fathers.

And are you amazed that your children don't get along? That they fight? That they don't seem to love each other? I mean, love each other dearly. Don't look at your children, and comfort yourself saying," All children are this way!" Is that really enough? Is that good enough for them? Will you one day say," You were children, so I let you be evil, and did not require of you righteousness. Training you to love one another did not seem reasonable, because it was good enough that were like other people's children." Will you stop at merely being amazed? Will you one day say to them," I did not stop you from hating your siblings, because I thought my amazement would be enough to shame you into compliance. I thought it would work itself out." Require them to love each other. Require them to forgive. Require them to apologize. And do so with consistency.

You are not training your children up to be good at being children when they're grown. You ought to teach them to be good men and good women. It is written," Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." This does not mean that there is no time for them to be children, but understand the purpose of childhood. You cannot understand your purpose of being a father if you do not understand the purpose of childhood. And you can't accept it if you obstinately say to yourself," It's all too serious for a child." and thereby excuse yourself from your duty. If you reject this you will raise fools, and God will require it of you.

And how do you train them? Where can you start? Teach them morals, teach them piety, teach them to be implacable towards injustice, teach them to be merciful and compassionate. Have them do things that requires them to master their bodies with their souls. Make them do things they don't want to do with their own will. The earlier you start this practice, the easier it will be. This isn't something you can start when they are teenagers. This teaches them continence, so that when they are older, such as teenagers, they are in control of themselves. Teach them chastity so that they never look at people as objects. Teach them modesty, so that a holy sense of shame prevents them from being immodest and perverse. By the means of continence, chastity, and modesty they will keep themselves pure. You will have children in control of themselves, who will do what they ought and not whatever they please. You will have sons and daughters who will seek what is good for them, and not whatever might give them pleasure. Which one of you would speak immodestly about women with this son? Or approve if he does the same? Or which one of you will give your virgin daughter over to the socially approved insanities of fashion, so that she can become an object for people to lust over, so that all the young men say in their own words," Let us look upon her with our eyes!" 

Never let your sons or daughters stew in their anger against you if they don't like something. Don't send them away to stew. As St. Paul says," Fathers, do not provoke your sons to anger." If you do that, you send them away to build a wall of resentment. Bring the work of discipline to completion, diligently as a father, through love and reason, temperately. Never let your children doubt that you love them. Many people try to  practice this, but fail. They may disapprove of their child's actions, even punish them, but in the end they require no change of heart and mind, which is the object of the exercise. They don't take the extra step to actually correct the problem, as if to say," I'll beat it out of them, and that is enough!" In so doing, the parent acquiesces to the interior disposition of the child, and reduces the fruit of their own body to the status of a criminal. They treat the symptom, but fail to cure the disease. That is why so many parents look upon their parenthood with despair, they look at discipline as an act of futility that is pushing their child away from them. It's as futile as our penal system, whose supposed purpose is rehabilitation. One of the best ways to solve this is closeness. I do not mean trying to become your child's best friend, which is another grievous error of many parents. I mean in proximity. Keep them near you. Keep them close with their family, with their Church. Get them to understand the true meaning of love, that is painful, and difficult, and good. Don't ever let them think they have been cheated by allowing the weeds of modern filth grow in their minds which says that love is merely a synonym with kindness.

The ancient Persians believed that gratitude was a great means of guarding uprightness. They saw ingratitude as the source of every evil. Ingratitude towards God the source of impiety, ingratitude towards country the source of treason, ingratitude towards parents the source of treachery. Gratitude promotes closeness of proximity, and from this an interior disposition is engendered. But if you stop at proximity all you have is enablement and entitlement, and the child will hate you as soon as you stop providing. This, too, we see often these days. Perhaps, the easiest way of teaching gratitude is consistently insisting upon good manners in all things at all times.

Which brings us to the next, problem of idleness. The Persians believed that idleness bred ingratitude. Perhaps, two of the biggest challenges today to families, especially children, is excess and idleness. Excess leads to idleness. I'm not saying that you must impose a spartan austerity on your children, but cultivating contentment in your children will promote the virtue of moderation, and thus decrease a proclivity to excess, thereby eliminating a propensity to be idle. As Diogenes said," Contentment is the wealth of nature." and as another philosopher said," Whoever is content with the least has the most." If you do your fatherly duty to your children, you won't feel the need to make substitutes and spoil them by giving them too many things, or the kind of freedom that is perilous to their virtue. You will have created a noble and upright heart and mind within them that is itself austere and virtuous. But even aside from this, it is important for us to occupy our children with noble tasks that actually teach them virtues and build good habits. Such things as learning, working, cleaning, talking about things worth discussing, problem solving, etc.

Our fathers used to teach their sons. Public education is a relatively new novelty. It is certain that Jacob took his sons into the fields and unto the flocks and taught them animal husbandry. He taught them the different systems of measurement of the peoples around them. He taught them mathematics, how to build a straight wall, where to find a suitable place to dig a well. He taught them how to pray, which feasts to observe. He taught them how to watch the stars, the times to bring in the flocks and the herds, and which times to take them out. With his own hands he showed them how to trim the hooves of the sheep. He kept them close and taught them everything worth knowing. He told them which women to stay away from, how to deal with the foreigner. He taught them their lineage until they could recite it. He taught them how to read and write the languages of those around them, perhaps. And into them he lovingly and diligently poured all his knowledge, wisdom, and understanding.

Is this the kind of relationship you have with your children? Are they learning in the context of family? Or are you letting strangers teach them these things, for the ends that they say are worthy? Are you letting other people teach your children morality? Are you letting them "find themselves" instead of telling them who they are as the man who helped create them? In our times, not everyone has the ability to home school, or lead such an interactive lifestyle with their children as Father Jacob did. However, it is no less incumbent upon you to not only augment what they are learning with good and godly things, but to rightly order what they have learned from others. It is your responsibility to teach them the truth about what others tell them. It's your responsibility to show them the right path. It is not their responsibility to find it. They may perish because they did not find it, and they will suffer, but do not doubt that God will require their blood of your hands. Just as it is written in the Book of Ezekiel:

"Son of man I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel, so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to the wicked, 'You wicked person, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade them from their ways, that wicked person will die for their sin, and I will hold you accountable for their blood." 

Pray with your sons and your daughters. Pray with them with your wife, too. Teach them to pray the prayers of your people. Teach them also to pray their own prayers, so that they learn to cry out to God for deliverance and for thanksgiving. Take them to Church so that they know they have a people, and so that they can receive the sacraments. Take them before the Blessed Sacrament, because it is written," Let the little children come unto Me, and do not prevent them. For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these." 

What do you think? If anyone does not water their plants, and they die, who is at fault? The plant or the dresser? Or if any of you have a dog, and you turn it out to come and go as it pleases, and it becomes emaciated because it could not find what it needs, who is at fault? The dog or the master? Children aren't supposed to be good at raising themselves. It is written,"Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child." What else do you enable apart from their foolishness, if you provide for them temporally, but do not provide for their souls? And what would you say about a man who goes around looking for his keys, when they are in his pocket? Or a man who looks for his hat while he is wearing it? Isn't he a fool? So it is with everyone who goes out looking for himself, because what else does he look with except himself? Teach your children to find themselves in God, Who is in them and Whom they ought to be in.

So, as fathers, don't permit your children to be sent on a fool's errand, "looking for themselves" as the fools tell us we must do... and neither send them on one yourself. They will stumble in their foolishness, and you will become guilty. Hear the words of Christ," If anyone causes one of these little ones to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." Sin crouched at Cain's door. Don't be foolish and think that it doesn't crouch at the doors of your children. Its desire if for them, and it prowls back and forth seeking to devour them.

Finally, let me speak about one of the greatest traps of fathers: Thinking that you can do all by being a great and good man yourself. Adam had Cain. David had Absalom. Solomon had Rehoboam. Marcus Aurelius had Commodus. John Adams had Charles Adams. Your greatness and your goodness are not substitutes to your duties as a father. Don't be foolish and think that your piety or your devoutness, your virtues will just rub off on your children and accomplish all the duties of fatherhood.

Yes, pray with your children. Teach them. Build with them. Show them the truth. Expose them to sources of wisdom, knowledge, and understanding that can be trusted. Take them with you when you minister to the poor. Observe the feasts of the Church, so that they might learn, and thereby build the framework of the orthodoxy up around them. Teach them charity, generosity, and compassion by involving them in your own works. Practice your righteousness with them. Read the bible to them. Above all, teach them to pray at all times, to pray without ceasing... and to never be ashamed of their faith. Impart unto them endurance, so that they never tire of doing good. This is what your children deserve from you, because this is what God has commanded us to do.

"Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and choice, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim." ~Aristotle~